My brain and I need a breather.

We’ll be back soon. In the meantime, send me your wine recommendations: abottleanight@gmail.com

I’ve been meaning to compile a list of wines for summer, but have been too busy drinking to get around to it. This Sancerre here (as all Sancerres are, really) is a good example of a fine wine for warmer days. If you’re having a white wine from Sancerre, an appellation in the Loire Valley, you are drinking Sauvignon Blanc. Not the fruit-forward Sauv Blanc you might find from places like Marlborough, New Zealand, but one that has a more austere flavor profile. Lime fruit, high acidity, grassy notes. Doesn’t that sound perfect for a picnic?

If you don’t know Santa Margherita Pinot Grigio, chances are you live under a rock. The stuff has been around for 50 years and has made its way into every single liquor store in the world. They’ve become such a huge name they’re expanding into wine education. On the Santa site you can click through an online course covering “Wine Culture.” The opening line says it all, “You’re probably already sitting down. So, if you have a bottle of wine in the house, open it. For now, it doesn’t matter what kind it is. Pour yourself a glass and get ready, if you feel like it, for a  brief introduction to a tasting course that will guide you into the magical world of wine.” Oh, those Italians.

Like everything SM does, their Chianti Classico is ubiquitous and basic. What I like most about this wine is the thought that when I’m popping open a bottle and serving it with pasta, chances are some other carb loving wino somewhere in the world is doing the exact same thing.

I’m not a huge fan of happy hours. While I appreciate the mission, I just can’t get past the crowds. But happy hour at John Dory Oyster Bar is a different story. $15 for six oysters and a glass of cava? I can get past a little elbowing and a long line to the bathroom. Sure, the cava is dirt cheap and the waiters smell like a high school locker room (I’m generalizing), but the oysters more than make up for it. Who knew the Naked Cowboy was such a molluscophile (not a real word)…

I ate every single oyster in this picture.

And ate every piece of this bread. TO DIE FOR!

Want to go? I’ll join you.

It’s hard to look at this label and not see flagrant spelling errors. What exactly are you going for here, State Land? Is that even your name? I have no idea!

Whatever it’s called, this Sauvignon Blanc is certainly tasty. Gooseberry, lime, medium body, slight effervescence — there is a lot going on in the glass.

Serve with a nice summer salad or if you’re serving to me, a mound of cucumbers doused in dressing and a cheeseburger.

I’m going to start eating well tomorrow. It may not sound like it, but I am on a health kick. I found a pilates video on Netflix watch instantly this weekend. I used rocks from my backyard as weights.

It was a wild weekend. I stayed in on Friday to study, studied all day Saturday, visited an elderly woman today and then reorganized my kitchen shelves. Wild indeed. For the first time in over two years I didn’t have a single drop of wine all weekend! (Okay, I had a glass of wine with dinner tonight, but that doesn’t count).

Seeing as there are no bottles to “wrap up” I could probably skip this post, but I know all four of you look forward to reading something new on Monday morning, so I hate to disappoint. Instead of three mediocre wine reviews, here are some pictures of my cat:

Friday night starring contest. Pinot won. She has eyes of steel.

Saturday night. All tuckered out from a long day of hitting the books.

Sunday morning. Can you spot her ear? It may be hard to tell (my god she is hirsute <—- see, I was studying!), but she is spooning her tail in this picture.

3 Things About This Wine:

1. It’s from an area of Australia that looks like this:

!!! Look how blue that sky is !!!

2. It’s full of dark plum and leather notes and would benefit from decanting and/or age

3. It costs approximately $21, which is a great price (in my opinion)

3 Things About My Second Favorite Beverage, Diet Coke:

1. DC was introduced in 1982, just before sister #1

2. Karl Lagerfeld designed the new DC label. Who knew?

3. DC is made with an entirely different formula from the Coca-Cola recipe

Thanks, Wikipedia!

This bottle is beat up because I just found it under the grill in my backyard, which is exactly where an empty bottle of rosé should end up. Perfect for sipping outdoors while the glorious smell of lighter fluid wafts over you, the Maison Bourron is a typical tinny rosé.

This wine and this weather are making me want to go to the beach. Ladies, let me ask you, are these bathing suits really flattering? I like the idea of covering up half of my stomach, but I think this look might be a better fit for me.

The best kinds of friends are the kind that come to your house and bring good wine. Michele and Ruslan (so long, soldier) are those kinds of friends. The second bottle of Brimstone I’ve had thanks to their generosity, the 2009 Cab Franc is super acidic with a nice cherry aroma. If there was a little more tannin and a longer finish, this bottle would be great. As it is now, it’s good.

You know you’re getting old when you drink too much wine on Friday and are completely out of commission on Saturday. By completely out of commission, I mean you are unable to drink until sundown on Saturday night. There’s no sense in pretending a productive weekend doesn’t involve day drinking. There’s also no sense in pretending that it’s healthy to eat a package of cream cheese and an entire box of Triscuits in one sitting, but I’ll continue to do so.

I had a gluttonous weekend. Surprise, surprise.

Friday night Ian and Chad had a housewarming party. I drank most of the 2009 Castelo de Papa Godello (Godello is the grape — who knew?)

And some of the 2009 Hanging Vine Pinot Noir

Hanging vine is a good standby. Their Pinot is tasty and perfect for a party.

After these bottles and vodka/orange juice shooters I insisted everyone take (why?!?), I recorded the video below. It’s amazing how feats of idiocy seem brilliant when you’re drunk.

2009 O’Reilly’s Pinot Noir

You have got to be kidding me. This is the bottle she suggests? Seeing my name under a picture of a dog makes my fur crawl. Call me a hater, but I just can’t respect anyone whose bowel movements depend on someone else’s schedule. G-R-O-S-S.

Despite the repulsive labeling, this wine is not so bad. Red fruit flavors dominate (it’s like I’ve dipped my paws into a jar of maraschino cherries), but the body is a little too light for me. I’m a full-bodied feline and need a wine with some weight.

At $16 I’d say this bottle is really f-ing expensive. But then again, I’m a cat who eats $16 worth of food IN A MONTH so what do I know about value?

I think we can all agree I have a more attractive profile than the poop machine above, even when my eyes are all bug-eyed.

Holy hot hump day. While I’m excited for summer to be unofficially underway, I am not prepared for this heat. I actually googled, “how to prevent boob sweat” today, so that should give you some indication of how good I look right now. For the record, my boobs aren’t big enough to cause beneath the bra sweat — I’m just dealing with the in between perspiration, which is plenty awful. I don’t know how you B+ cups do it.

Thankfully white wines like the Nora exist to cool us ladies down. Light, peachy, perfect for drinking in a sauna.

In other news, it looks like Facebook is getting to know me a little better…

Bachelorette parties typically do two things: involve lots of penises and make you feel old. Thankfully, the party that I am still recovering from did neither.

My college luvahs and I reunited in our old stomping grounds for a weekend of debauchery and wedding talk. Since the graduated seniors have moved into their parents’ basements and summer session is not yet underway, the bars (and dance floors) were empty. Still, we managed to find a number of people to help us humiliate our bride-to-be, Laura Can’tSayHerLastNameBecauseSheTeachesChildren. 

The battery on my camera was flashing orange all weekend, but I managed to capture a few choice moments.

Day 1

How do you start a bachelorette party weekend? With a round of blow job shots of course!

Laura’s fiancé surprised her and showed up to the bar.

All the attendees (minus yours truly; I’ve mastered the art of the crop)

Day 2

Another group shot. The girls lined up in front of the house we rented for the weekend. The owner has dogs the size of dinosaurs. It didn’t smell at all.

You’ll notice the B2B (Bride to Be) is wearing a bear head. We sent her on a “Bear Hunt” bar crawl. We’re ridiculous.

Stop #1: Mad Mex. Drink #1: Delicious strawberry margarita.

I’m in this photo. Can you spot me and my one hip?

At Stop #2 things got a little out of control.

Here’s Jackie at Stop #3. That’s a small child under the bear head. His parents were not amused.

Bear Hunt Task: Buy a box of condoms and distribute them to random men.

Stop #4. We almost showed our boobs to the bartender.

…But instead we just drank ridiculous drinks like Coffee Patron?! What? So good! And whipped cream infused vodka? A lot has happened in the flavored alcohol industry since I’ve started this blog. I have a lot of catching up to do.

B2B channels Soul Man at Stop #5.

After this we went to a dance club called Indigo (Stop #6) and molested sophomore boys with fake IDs. Then we went back to the dog house and ate 45 pieces of dough covered in garlic.

Day 3

Winston took all the ladies wine tasting at Mt. Nittany Winery. A few of the girls and I worked here in college. They paid us in wine. We didn’t mind.

Winston was disappointed in the Chardonnay Reserve.

Baby grapes. They use these to make wine for infants.

Oh hello again, Proprietors Select. I missed you.

And nice to meet you Riesling. You’re okay.

I was not missing NYC at this moment.

This photo was taken mid-bar crawl, but I had to wrap up the wrap up with a sexy pic. Congratulations, Matt — you’re marrying a crazy person with an even crazier group of friends.